I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i think my cat just said my name.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
