you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
