got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
