When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
