now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
