I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
