i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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