Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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