Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
