He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
