took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize