The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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