it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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