Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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