Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
