cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who died my cat blue again?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
