You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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