Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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