Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
