Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
