I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
