does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
