I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
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