How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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