No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
