I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
