I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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