when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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