his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
