I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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