Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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