Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
