im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
