We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
