You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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