My underwear smells like fireworks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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