also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
did i just pee glitter
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
