A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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