The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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