I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
