I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
