Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
