There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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