My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
