I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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