just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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