I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
