mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize