I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
