If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
