just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
