I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
