I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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