And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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