Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
