so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
