textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
