At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
