You were right. It hurts to walk today.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
