Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
