she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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