I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize