Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
me + whiskey = a bad person
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
