he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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